I May Fall, But I Will Rise

I like very few Christian musicians and artists. I have to plug Josh Garrels briefly, though. He has a way with his words and his songs to get to the heart of the matter that doesn't end up making the song feel contrived or forced. Not only is his musicality outstanding, but his heart really is shown through his lyrics. I'm thankful that my sister turned me toward his music.

Okay, enough of a plug...

Today I was listening to Josh Garrels' song "Rise". 

"Though they may surround me like lions

And crush me on all sides

I may fall, but I will rise

Not by my might, or my power, or by the strength of swords

Only through Your love, my Lord

All we've lost will be restored"

These lyrics struck me anew this morning with what has been on my mind lately. I was talking to my "Alternate Dad" (my best friend's dad who has taken me under his wing) just briefly today about how these last few years have brought me to places of darkness like none other. And yet I acknowledge that I enjoy an emotional and mental health that I never thought possible. 

I was telling my mom over the last couple days that the older I get the more I'm not afraid of what life might throw at me and my family. I mean, look what we've come through. Cancer, death, conflict, divorce, abuse, etc. If I had to sit down and think about why my family is so resilient to the point we shine brighter as people on this side of troubles - I would have to give credit to God. There is no human way to be able to stand tall after the destruction and shame. It only could be God.

I have friends that are going through a lot of things right now. Some of it is out of their control - and some of it is a direct result of poor choices that they have made. There is a tomorrow. My mom always told me that my worst day was not my last day. In the middle of the forest of despair I didn't believe her. There was no way I could see my life ever being good again. The heartache was too much. The shame was too great. 

What do you know? My mom was right. 

"I hung my head for the last time

In surrender and dispair

Before I'm dead I'll take the last climb

Up the mountain, face my fears

The time has come to make a choice

Use my voice for the love of every man

My mind's made up, never again

Never again will I turn around"

I believe that I am a walking miracle. All it takes is remembering where I was two years ago to realize how far I've come. I need to make sure that I don't take credit for any of that. I want to never make the mistake of taking credit away from God and His grace and strength. I have a very strong personality and I'm very adaptable - but I was running down an incorrect path and without Him, and Him alone, I would be even more lost today than I was before. 

Your worst day is not your last day as long as you live through God's grace and love. All that's lost will be restored.

Conviction: Pride and Judgement

I've really come a long way in my life in the last two and a half years ago. Two and a half years ago my world was falling apart. I was getting a divorce, I had just quit a good job, I didn't want to have anything to do with the church, and I was making one poor choice after another and feeling each and every consequence. September 18th is a personal anniversary for me. It is the day that I hit my personal rock bottom in my stupid choices and I made the decision to pick myself up off the ground and make for higher ground.

Things have gotten much better. Though I occasionally make stupid choices (and still feel every consequence) I'm doing a lot better at being wise and keeping my mouth shut. I'm back in the church, my friends and family have all told me that they're proud of my choices and where I'm heading, and I am now able to look in the mirror and say that I'm proud of who I am and I know that I have something to offer the world. It's been a tough road - and it still has bumps - but I've somehow made it through and I'm stronger than ever.

Last week I was called out at work for something that keeps hindering me. It has to do with my pride. I hadn't really thought about it much - but then Pastor Brady even preached on judging others. I sat in the pew thinking that judging others is the last thing on my mind considering how much I have been forgiven for. I tend to give others the benefit of the doubt because I have had to ask for so much grace. But then it hit me again - my pride in how far I've come has caused me to judge others.

My biggest area of struggle is at work. I've worked from the bottom up to where I am right now and I have very little patience for others who aren't working equally hard. I also go around with an attitude of invincibility at work because I do so much that I believe I'm indispensable. They can't live without me. Both of these frames of thought have caused me to be prideful with a bad attitude toward certain people and things in my life. How are these things okay? 

I think my biggest downfall has been the mindset of "me picking myself up off the ground". That really isn't it, is it? God is the one that picked me up off the ground through His grace. And without His grace who is to say that I won't fall back in to those poor choices? Who am I to think that I did any of this without God? 

Pastor Brady talked about the story where Jesus comes across a woman about to be stoned for adultery. He told the crowd that those without sin were able to throw the first stone. My attitude has been akin to me being that woman - and two and a half years later me telling everyone that the reason I wasn't stoned was because I somehow beat the crowd at their own game. 

Humility isn't something that always comes naturally to me. I have it when I look at where I've come from - so I tend not to judge others who have made poor choices. Where I really need humility is in realizing that the only reason that I can look back and say "that is where I WAS" is because God brought me to where I am today - in a much better place. And as far as work is concerned - the only reason I've been able to work my way up is through the mind that God gave me and His grace through everything. I have no right to look down on others for their work. My focus should not be on them. 

I hate being convicted of things - especially when I feel like I'm doing so great. Refiner's Fire. It's always there. Thank God for that.

The Heart of the Matter: Don't Talk to Strangers

Why is it that I can have a couple of weeks that were so packed full of meaningful conversations that I should write about - but those are the weeks that I don't have the time to sit and put pen to paper? Such has been my life over the last two weeks.

Last week my cousin came and spent the week with me. Ryan and I grew up together and we've always functioned like brother and sister more than cousins. Even so, our parents chose to parent us in very different ways. This week we really got the chance to digest a lot of our growing up years and what we would do if we had our own kids.

One of the main things we talked about was how our parents approached parenting in two different ways based on if they explained to us the intent and "why" behind all of their rules for us. Ryan said his parents didn't, and I contend that my parents did. Though I didn't always agree with what my parents would say to me I always knew why they set certain rules for me. As an adult I have very much appreciate this fact.

A few weeks ago my pastor was in the middle of his Sermon on the Mount series. Pastor Brady gave an illustration that when parents are raising their kids one of the first rules they tell their kids is "Don't Talk to Strangers." As the child grows up a bit the parents say "Come meet these people" and in turn introduce them to strangers. Then when the child goes off to school the parents say "go meet new friends." When you hop from don't talk to strangers to go make new friends it might seem contradictory. However, the intent behind "don't talk to strangers" stays the same. Children need to be careful with who they let in to their lives and be wise with who they talk to. Parents start with the black and white rule and as the children grow up and mature they explain the intent behind the rule and basically say "you heard me said - well, this is what I really mean".

Pastor Brady said that the Old Testament in the Bible is God's equivalent to "Don't talk to strangers". It is full of dos and do nots. The Sermon on the Mount is Jesus coming back through to say "you heard these rules - well here is what I really meant."

As I see it, God's laws are here to protect us from ourselves and others. Loving God and loving others is not just what we are called to do but it truly is what is best for us. Living lives without hate, revenge, cheating, etc not only helps us live a happy and fulfilled life - but also helps others too.

I think legalism in the Church undermines this entire concept. If God's laws go from being "here is my intent to help you through life because I love you" into "you must do this before I accept you" it really takes away from who I see God is. I don't think God is out to make my life miserable by handing down absurd rules. If that were the truth then Jesus never have taken the time to show intent behind the rules. My parents really were the same way. They weren't trying to make me not popular by not allowing me to party. They weren't trying to come up with crazy rules just to make me frustrated.

I'm thankful for the message of intent behind rules and laws. I want to seek out the heart of God. I want to know the reason behind the rules so that I can believe that God is loving and not a dictator.

Cancer: Tenacity

To say that my family has experience with the world of cancer would be a gross understatement. When I was about to start my senior year of high school my daddy was diagnosed with stage IV colon cancer. A few short months after that my cousin, Spencer (the one who wrote the song Dancing With Wrecking Balls), was diagnosed with a rare form of bone cancer. Not long after that my aunt (Spencer's mom) was diagnosed with breast cancer...and then right after that another one of my aunts was also diagnosed with breast cancer.

Spencer died September 28th, 2007

Spencer doing what he did best - sharing his soul with music

 

Chemo took a toll on Spencer

My dad died January 5th, 2009

Me and my dad right at the time he was diagnosed with cancer

My dad going through one of his many rounds of chemo

One of the last photos taken of my family...we always said my dad was waving goodbye

Both of my aunts are survivors and are in remission.

My Aunt MaryLynn

My Aunt Christy with my cousin Scott and my Uncle Lonnie

Our family thought it was over. How could 4 people in the same family battle cancer? What are the odds of that happening? Two deaths were enough. With every chemo treatment, every surgery, and every report that cancer had returned or had spread our family banned together and fought it all together.

But then the unthinkable happened.
 

In November of 2012 another one of my cousins reached out to our family with more news. Tarah (http://tenaciouslyteal.blogspot.com/) was diagnosed with stage IV ovarian cancer. 

Tarah right after her diagnosis but before she started chemo

Tarah going through chemo

And then within a few days my mom was diagnosed with breast cancer. 

 

My beautiful Mom

My mom right after one of her two surgeries

How did each of these people handle things? Amazingly.

My Father: He battled cancer for 6 1/2 years. During that time he continued to pastor the church I grew up in as much as he was able. Not only was he recognized in our community for his cancer fight and for the way that he chose to fight it (the local newspaper ran several stories about him), but his story also touched people worldwide. More than 500 people showed up to his funeral. Over 30 local pastors attended, many of my dad's doctors and nurses, and others that were fighting their own battle with cancer who was inspired by him also were in attendance.

Spencer: He fought his battle with cancer for about 4 years. During that time he continued his college classes as he was able. Spencer toured around the US holding "Living Room Sessions" where he performed many different songs he wrote. His songs still have an impact today. There are now several coffee shops in Europe called "Sweet Surrender" that are named after one of his songs in honor of him. At his funeral the church was so packed that they had to have closed circuit TVs stationed throughout the halls. His music and his memory still touches people today.

Aunt Christy (Spencer's Mom): She was able to beat cancer after a mastectomy and chemo. She continues to take pills to keep the cancer at bay. Her quiet strength helped walk her family through not only her battle but also Spencer's battle with cancer. 

Aunt Marylynn (Tarah's Mom): After being diagnosed with two different types of breast cancer, several surgeries, and chemo she is in remission. Aunt Marylynn is now helping Tarah with her fight. She and my Uncle Rick are about to move from Oregon to Oklahoma where Tarah and her husband live to help them.

My Mother: My mom immediately got a double mastectomy a week after her diagnosis. She hated the idea that us girls now had two parents who had been diagnosed with cancer. Within a few months she had reconstructive surgery. Her bravery to immediately act has made it so that she did not have to have chemo - but only takes a pill to help keep the cancer away. I am constantly amazed at the ease she had making such a dramatic choice. It was very obvious to me that it was all done out of love her family.

Tarah: She recently finished a round of several different chemos. While she in the middle of chemo Tarah put together goodie bags for other chemo patients filled with things that she found helpful during her treatments. Tarah just announced that she is starting a non-profit to raise money to help support people while they are in the middle of chemo. There is a Facebook page called Teal for Tarah that has been her way of keeping the world updated and witnessing about her faith in Christ through this journey. Last weekend she flew to Oregon and spoke at my Uncle's church. You can hear her testimony here: http://www.brookingsnaz.org/BrookingsNaz/Podcast/Entries/2013/7/14_Tenaciously_Teal.html

But why do I write about all of this, and what does tenacity have to do with it? 

te·na·cious

 adjective \tə-ˈnā-shəs\

1

a : not easily pulled apart : cohesive <a tenacious metal>

b : tending to adhere or cling especially to another substance <tenacious burs> 

Tenacity is the act of being tenacious. Our family has done this in two very key ways that have helped us go through this horrendous journey.

First of all we were never pulled apart from each other as a family and we clung to each other. Even though we may not be aware of every day-to-day activity of each other's lives - we are still a very close family. We have all spent many hours talking to each other, crying with each other, praying for each other, and supporting each other. Sometimes this has been easy and natural. Other times it has caused us to leap out of our comfort zones to be able to do whatever someone else might need. Doctor's appointments, chemo treatments, hours waiting through surgeries, and the continual encouragement of each other when it is needed.

Secondly we have, in each of our different ways, clung to Christ. This second part has been one of the harder things for me - but ultimately what has saved me. Through each treatment, through each long night, and through each phone call with bad news God has walked through it with us. Knowing that there is something bigger than us and that ultimately God has not abandoned us has been the small hope that we have all clung to while we're handling this journey in our own way. What this means for me is really why I started this blog in the first place. Please, listen to Tarah's testimony. More than anything I can say that will help you see what I'm trying to portray. 

Our family is weak through health issues but Christ is strong in our weakness. The glue of our family hasn't weakened at all - it has only gotten stronger. I am blessed to be a part of such a wonderful group of people. They have been examples to me and people I look up to. I miss my dad and Spencer very much...but one day we will all be reunited.

I love my family. We are full of tenacity. We fight hard and we fight strong through the strength that only comes through Jesus Christ our Lord.

This is most of our family. My mom was one of 6 children. My dad and Spencer were very missed this day

Hardest Person to Forgive

It never ceases to amaze me how I can sit through an entire sermon and the part that gets me is the off the cuff comment the pastor makes right as he's leaving the stage. "For some reason I felt the need to say this..." he says. Well, that was for me.

I go to a mega church. I never thought I ever would - but I've actually enjoyed it. Probably has something to do with the anonymity that I have found there. It has given me a chance to heal. A chance to soak in a good message without knowing all of the church politics and underlining issues of half the congregation. So this has been my place to heal.

My pastor's name is Brady Boyd. I've never met the man - and I'd bet I never will. He did greet me today and placed his hand on my elbow. I'm glad to see he's not a hologram. :-) From afar I admire him a great deal. The history of this particular congregation has been very publically painful. I'm impressed by the way he handled everything and I have loved his sermons every week.

Today Pastor Brady spoke about motives. Right out of the Sermon on the Mount he talked about how Jesus tells us in one chapter to let our light shine to the world - and then the next chapter he talks about praying, giving, and fasting in secret. Why the difference? It has to do with our motives.

This really hasn't been one of my big issues. I've made so many poor choices at one time or another I have had my fair share of humble pie. I certainly have my moments of bragging (maybe this is one of them) and I have times I want to prove to people that I'm doing the right thing - but all in all - I don't feel like I have a ton to boast about. My motives, typically, have more to do with just keeping myself in check regardless of whatever else is going on around me.

And then he said it.

Right as we were about to have communion he said that one of the hardest things for us to do is to forgive ourselves. God already chose to forgive me for all of my sins. Now it is time for me to choose to forgive myself.

I have such a hard time with this. I'm still beating myself up for things that happened years ago. I'm very much beating myself up for things that happened in the more recent past. I find that when I'm alone I will go through memories in my mind like index cards giving myself one reason after another to doubt God's forgiveness.

Back to my motivation - you know what motivates me to keep myself in check? Penance. If I keep myself in high check now I'm somehow making up for the horrible choices I've made. In my mind, if I'm extra good now it will make up for the pain I've caused in my past. But that isn't really how God works, is it?

It occurred to me one time that in not forgiving myself I am somehow saying that my opinion matters more than God's. That I'm a better judge of character when it comes to myself. I'm an incredibly forgiving person toward others - but to myself...not so much. I'm coming to realize that this isn't right.

Who am I helping by continuing to beat myself up for the past? What can I do to change it? I think it is time to put down those feelings of hatred toward my past and toward myself and forgive. I have been given a grace that covers all. The problem is that I haven't figured out how to accept that.

Maybe that's part of a daily surrender to God. Maybe grace isn't as easy to accept as one would think. Either way - Pastor Brady's words stopped me in my tracks. My conviction for the day. God knows my heart even better than I do and God has chosen to forgive and to love. Maybe I need to choose to learn how to forgive and love the hardest person on this earth I've ever had to forgive...myself.

But They're WEIRD! - My 4th of July Nightmare

I went to a BBQ for the 4th of July with a group of young adults from several churches in the area. I went home early and was in bed by 8:00pm - and completely missed the fireworks. The first words out of my mouth when I got home were:

"Paddlefoot," to the turtle, innocently swimming in her tank, "why do Christians have to be so weird! I'd MUCH rather hang out with my non-Christian friends. They're weird in a way that I actually like."

Okay, let's ignore the fact that I have an issues just based on the fact I'm talking out loud to my turtle in the first place. When I told my counselor this morning about this he laughed at me and said that he believes there are few therapists in this world who are lucky enough to be entertained so much by one of their patients. THANKS...I think??

This has been an issue for me in general. I want fellowship with other Christians but each time I get together with a Christian group I hate being there and it makes me want to run away from Christianity rather than towards it. I come away from these experiences thinking that if I am having a real problem with being uncomfortable with this situation - then I'm sure people who have no experience with the church at all must really think we're off our rockers.

Okay, what do I mean by weird?? From this BBQ alone there were 3 major incidents that made me wonder if I was the most sane person in the room:


1) Drunk in the Spirit Lady

I was sitting and talking to a lady about what she had done in the previous week.

Me: Did you have a good week?

Lady: Oh, it was wonderful! I was so drunk in the spirit the other night after a wonderful worship service! I wonder how I made it home safely!

Me: Wow - I guess it is a good thing you didn't get pulled over! That would have been interesting to explain to the cops. (Side note: as I told my counselor about this story this morning he busted up laughing at this point. Really, I'm not that funny)

Lady: Oh no - my church has taught me how to handle the cops. First you prophesy over the cop and witness to him. THEN he becomes a BELIEVER! He will be so excited that he'll go get his partner, you prophesy more and then the partner will ALSO become a believer. Jesus be glorified!

Me: Well, I suppose if that works then that's a good way to get out of a ticket!

(REALLY???? GET ME OUT OF HERE!!)


2) Man with a Grudge Against Pastor's Kids with Dead Fathers

I was playing ping pong with my friend minding my own business and a very large man decided that would be a good time to talk to me even though my back was toward him...

Man: Where do you go to church?

Me: New Life in Colorado Springs

Man: How long have you gone?

Me: Since January. I grew up in the church, took a break for a couple years, and now I'm back.

Man: (not in an unfriendly tone) Oh, so you were a church brat. I've always worked with teens in the church and young adults.

Me: Yeah, I was a church brat. My daddy was a pastor so I really was a brat. (smiled)

Man: What? Oh, I know you pastors kids! (he's suddenly angry) You tell me that your daddy is the pastor and so you have the right to tell me to do whatever. You know what I tell people like you? I PAY your daddy's salary! You can't tell me what to do! If you try - I'll stop paying your dad's salary. And THEN what, huh?

(Side note: if that guy or someone like him was paying my daddy's salary - that's nothing to brag about...we were dirt poor!)

Man: Is your dad still a pastor?

Me: No, my dad died a few years back.

Man: I'm really sorry to hear that.

Me: Thank you, it is what it is (my response when I don't want to talk about it)

Man: It isn't like that at all. You really need to learn how to get in touch with your feelings better and stop living in a fantasy world. Live in reality - it is tough.

Me: Yeah, it is tough.

My friend: So, do you want to keep score in the game?

Me Mouthing to her: THANK YOU!

Seriously?? Where do you get off getting mad at me simply because I'm a pastor's kid? And do you really think that makes me want to talk to you about my feelings regarding his death?


3) Singing Man With a Short Fuse

There was one guy, tall, handsome, muscular (good combo) that kept walking around making up praise songs over and above everyone else talking. "Praise the Holy Spirit because of this wonderful food"... Sing, sing, sing. He started playing (and singing as he went) ping pong with another one of the guys there. After awhile he walked away to help some people out with a few things. He came back 15 minutes later to see someone else had taken his place.

He immediately goes off - "Jesus would NEVER have stolen someone else's spot in line" and "I thought you guys were supposed to be Christians!"

I thought he was joking...apparently not...

Everyone tried to calm him down. I decided to use my off the cuff humor...

Me: The good news is that I hear that patience is a virtue!

Singing Man: That's not in the Bible!

Me: Well, I do know it is a Fruit of the Spirit...

Singing Man: Don't lie to me just to get me to calm down! Jesus is pissed off at you guys for lying and cutting in line!

Me: Right...

Singing Man: Now who wants to play me in ping pong??

We all walked away....


I'm told I have a knack for running in to the weird ones. That not all Christians are like this. I actually do believe that all Christians aren't like this. My family has its quirks - but I believe we weren't alienating with our behavior. I just can't figure out why everyone I run in to here is like that. I've been looking for fellowship - but as I said to Paddlefoot - it isn't worth it to me to be around people like that if that is what it means to be in Christian fellowship.

I have several examples of things like this - another blog post for another time - but I suppose this is a cautionary tale. We as Christians are supposed to be set apart from the world by our actions - but I don't think this is what Jesus was talking about. He wasn't talking about misplaced anger, thinking you can get away with anything just because of your "ability" to prophesy (let's admit it - you're making it up 99/100), or by acting like a nutcase while singing and arguing like a child.

I believe what sets us apart is our willingness to forgive, to live in such a way that we show love and kindness even when it isn't easy, and the fact we live for Someone greater than ourselves. If it means the rest of this nonsense - no thanks. I'm out!

Dancing the Line

One of the problems with dancing with wrecking balls is that occasionally you get hit. It has been two years since I hit my personal low (another story for another time) that really propelled me into the healthy living that I enjoy today. Since then I seem to make stupid choices that cause a wrecking ball hit every six months or so.

This last weekend I got nicked by the that darn wrecking ball again. It wasn't a major hit - just a reminder that it is still swinging around me. I've been talking to my best friend, Laurie, about it. I told her that I have two different seemingly-opposing desires that cause me to dance right into direct hit zone. The first is the desire to live a life that is full of integrity, honoring to what I believe God wants for my life, is responsible, and healthy. The second is the desire to not let fundamental ideals to stop me from living a full life and having fun.

I believe there is a way to do both of these things. They don't have to be opposing desires.

Last weekend I failed (though not miserably) to be completely responsible with my choices.

You know those moments that you want to face-palm and roll your eyes and say "why did that just happen"? Yeah, my face was hit by my palm and I had to ask that question. These moments for me do a few things. First they make me kick myself for not paying attention a bit more to what is going on around me. Second they remind me that even though I'm on a solid path to health that doesn't mean that I don't need to actively and purposefully make sure that I stay walking on that solid path.

One of the biggest lessons I've learned in my life is how true the statement of "there but for the grace of God I go" is. I am not above stupidity, sinfulness, temptation, and "why did I just do that" decisions. God's grace covers all of my past and all of my future - but that doesn't mean that I should just waltz through life with the attitude of playing now and asking forgiveness later.

So where is that line? Should I stay so far from things that may give me problems that there is no chance of crossing the line? Or should I learn from my mistakes (and those of others) and continue through life? Well, let's just say that I haven't stopped driving only because I get speeding tickets now and then.

Wake-up calls and reminders are a blessing. What is a huge relief to me is that my wake up calls and my reminders are fewer, farther between, and very minor. I could either see this consequence-free reminder as an example that I can get away with living on the edge. BUT - instead I choose to see this reminder as just that, a reminder. My choices and actions still need some refining and I need to keep paying attention.

God is good to me. He has walked through life with me and has allowed me to get nicked a few times by the wrecking ball. I see these nicks as a blessing. I'd just rather not have to keep getting nicked or learn from someone else's wrecking ball collision. Maybe one day. :-)