Cancer: Tenacity

To say that my family has experience with the world of cancer would be a gross understatement. When I was about to start my senior year of high school my daddy was diagnosed with stage IV colon cancer. A few short months after that my cousin, Spencer (the one who wrote the song Dancing With Wrecking Balls), was diagnosed with a rare form of bone cancer. Not long after that my aunt (Spencer's mom) was diagnosed with breast cancer...and then right after that another one of my aunts was also diagnosed with breast cancer.

Spencer died September 28th, 2007

Spencer doing what he did best - sharing his soul with music

 

Chemo took a toll on Spencer

My dad died January 5th, 2009

Me and my dad right at the time he was diagnosed with cancer

My dad going through one of his many rounds of chemo

One of the last photos taken of my family...we always said my dad was waving goodbye

Both of my aunts are survivors and are in remission.

My Aunt MaryLynn

My Aunt Christy with my cousin Scott and my Uncle Lonnie

Our family thought it was over. How could 4 people in the same family battle cancer? What are the odds of that happening? Two deaths were enough. With every chemo treatment, every surgery, and every report that cancer had returned or had spread our family banned together and fought it all together.

But then the unthinkable happened.
 

In November of 2012 another one of my cousins reached out to our family with more news. Tarah (http://tenaciouslyteal.blogspot.com/) was diagnosed with stage IV ovarian cancer. 

Tarah right after her diagnosis but before she started chemo

Tarah going through chemo

And then within a few days my mom was diagnosed with breast cancer. 

 

My beautiful Mom

My mom right after one of her two surgeries

How did each of these people handle things? Amazingly.

My Father: He battled cancer for 6 1/2 years. During that time he continued to pastor the church I grew up in as much as he was able. Not only was he recognized in our community for his cancer fight and for the way that he chose to fight it (the local newspaper ran several stories about him), but his story also touched people worldwide. More than 500 people showed up to his funeral. Over 30 local pastors attended, many of my dad's doctors and nurses, and others that were fighting their own battle with cancer who was inspired by him also were in attendance.

Spencer: He fought his battle with cancer for about 4 years. During that time he continued his college classes as he was able. Spencer toured around the US holding "Living Room Sessions" where he performed many different songs he wrote. His songs still have an impact today. There are now several coffee shops in Europe called "Sweet Surrender" that are named after one of his songs in honor of him. At his funeral the church was so packed that they had to have closed circuit TVs stationed throughout the halls. His music and his memory still touches people today.

Aunt Christy (Spencer's Mom): She was able to beat cancer after a mastectomy and chemo. She continues to take pills to keep the cancer at bay. Her quiet strength helped walk her family through not only her battle but also Spencer's battle with cancer. 

Aunt Marylynn (Tarah's Mom): After being diagnosed with two different types of breast cancer, several surgeries, and chemo she is in remission. Aunt Marylynn is now helping Tarah with her fight. She and my Uncle Rick are about to move from Oregon to Oklahoma where Tarah and her husband live to help them.

My Mother: My mom immediately got a double mastectomy a week after her diagnosis. She hated the idea that us girls now had two parents who had been diagnosed with cancer. Within a few months she had reconstructive surgery. Her bravery to immediately act has made it so that she did not have to have chemo - but only takes a pill to help keep the cancer away. I am constantly amazed at the ease she had making such a dramatic choice. It was very obvious to me that it was all done out of love her family.

Tarah: She recently finished a round of several different chemos. While she in the middle of chemo Tarah put together goodie bags for other chemo patients filled with things that she found helpful during her treatments. Tarah just announced that she is starting a non-profit to raise money to help support people while they are in the middle of chemo. There is a Facebook page called Teal for Tarah that has been her way of keeping the world updated and witnessing about her faith in Christ through this journey. Last weekend she flew to Oregon and spoke at my Uncle's church. You can hear her testimony here: http://www.brookingsnaz.org/BrookingsNaz/Podcast/Entries/2013/7/14_Tenaciously_Teal.html

But why do I write about all of this, and what does tenacity have to do with it? 

te·na·cious

 adjective \tə-ˈnā-shəs\

1

a : not easily pulled apart : cohesive <a tenacious metal>

b : tending to adhere or cling especially to another substance <tenacious burs> 

Tenacity is the act of being tenacious. Our family has done this in two very key ways that have helped us go through this horrendous journey.

First of all we were never pulled apart from each other as a family and we clung to each other. Even though we may not be aware of every day-to-day activity of each other's lives - we are still a very close family. We have all spent many hours talking to each other, crying with each other, praying for each other, and supporting each other. Sometimes this has been easy and natural. Other times it has caused us to leap out of our comfort zones to be able to do whatever someone else might need. Doctor's appointments, chemo treatments, hours waiting through surgeries, and the continual encouragement of each other when it is needed.

Secondly we have, in each of our different ways, clung to Christ. This second part has been one of the harder things for me - but ultimately what has saved me. Through each treatment, through each long night, and through each phone call with bad news God has walked through it with us. Knowing that there is something bigger than us and that ultimately God has not abandoned us has been the small hope that we have all clung to while we're handling this journey in our own way. What this means for me is really why I started this blog in the first place. Please, listen to Tarah's testimony. More than anything I can say that will help you see what I'm trying to portray. 

Our family is weak through health issues but Christ is strong in our weakness. The glue of our family hasn't weakened at all - it has only gotten stronger. I am blessed to be a part of such a wonderful group of people. They have been examples to me and people I look up to. I miss my dad and Spencer very much...but one day we will all be reunited.

I love my family. We are full of tenacity. We fight hard and we fight strong through the strength that only comes through Jesus Christ our Lord.

This is most of our family. My mom was one of 6 children. My dad and Spencer were very missed this day

Hardest Person to Forgive

It never ceases to amaze me how I can sit through an entire sermon and the part that gets me is the off the cuff comment the pastor makes right as he's leaving the stage. "For some reason I felt the need to say this..." he says. Well, that was for me.

I go to a mega church. I never thought I ever would - but I've actually enjoyed it. Probably has something to do with the anonymity that I have found there. It has given me a chance to heal. A chance to soak in a good message without knowing all of the church politics and underlining issues of half the congregation. So this has been my place to heal.

My pastor's name is Brady Boyd. I've never met the man - and I'd bet I never will. He did greet me today and placed his hand on my elbow. I'm glad to see he's not a hologram. :-) From afar I admire him a great deal. The history of this particular congregation has been very publically painful. I'm impressed by the way he handled everything and I have loved his sermons every week.

Today Pastor Brady spoke about motives. Right out of the Sermon on the Mount he talked about how Jesus tells us in one chapter to let our light shine to the world - and then the next chapter he talks about praying, giving, and fasting in secret. Why the difference? It has to do with our motives.

This really hasn't been one of my big issues. I've made so many poor choices at one time or another I have had my fair share of humble pie. I certainly have my moments of bragging (maybe this is one of them) and I have times I want to prove to people that I'm doing the right thing - but all in all - I don't feel like I have a ton to boast about. My motives, typically, have more to do with just keeping myself in check regardless of whatever else is going on around me.

And then he said it.

Right as we were about to have communion he said that one of the hardest things for us to do is to forgive ourselves. God already chose to forgive me for all of my sins. Now it is time for me to choose to forgive myself.

I have such a hard time with this. I'm still beating myself up for things that happened years ago. I'm very much beating myself up for things that happened in the more recent past. I find that when I'm alone I will go through memories in my mind like index cards giving myself one reason after another to doubt God's forgiveness.

Back to my motivation - you know what motivates me to keep myself in check? Penance. If I keep myself in high check now I'm somehow making up for the horrible choices I've made. In my mind, if I'm extra good now it will make up for the pain I've caused in my past. But that isn't really how God works, is it?

It occurred to me one time that in not forgiving myself I am somehow saying that my opinion matters more than God's. That I'm a better judge of character when it comes to myself. I'm an incredibly forgiving person toward others - but to myself...not so much. I'm coming to realize that this isn't right.

Who am I helping by continuing to beat myself up for the past? What can I do to change it? I think it is time to put down those feelings of hatred toward my past and toward myself and forgive. I have been given a grace that covers all. The problem is that I haven't figured out how to accept that.

Maybe that's part of a daily surrender to God. Maybe grace isn't as easy to accept as one would think. Either way - Pastor Brady's words stopped me in my tracks. My conviction for the day. God knows my heart even better than I do and God has chosen to forgive and to love. Maybe I need to choose to learn how to forgive and love the hardest person on this earth I've ever had to forgive...myself.

But They're WEIRD! - My 4th of July Nightmare

I went to a BBQ for the 4th of July with a group of young adults from several churches in the area. I went home early and was in bed by 8:00pm - and completely missed the fireworks. The first words out of my mouth when I got home were:

"Paddlefoot," to the turtle, innocently swimming in her tank, "why do Christians have to be so weird! I'd MUCH rather hang out with my non-Christian friends. They're weird in a way that I actually like."

Okay, let's ignore the fact that I have an issues just based on the fact I'm talking out loud to my turtle in the first place. When I told my counselor this morning about this he laughed at me and said that he believes there are few therapists in this world who are lucky enough to be entertained so much by one of their patients. THANKS...I think??

This has been an issue for me in general. I want fellowship with other Christians but each time I get together with a Christian group I hate being there and it makes me want to run away from Christianity rather than towards it. I come away from these experiences thinking that if I am having a real problem with being uncomfortable with this situation - then I'm sure people who have no experience with the church at all must really think we're off our rockers.

Okay, what do I mean by weird?? From this BBQ alone there were 3 major incidents that made me wonder if I was the most sane person in the room:


1) Drunk in the Spirit Lady

I was sitting and talking to a lady about what she had done in the previous week.

Me: Did you have a good week?

Lady: Oh, it was wonderful! I was so drunk in the spirit the other night after a wonderful worship service! I wonder how I made it home safely!

Me: Wow - I guess it is a good thing you didn't get pulled over! That would have been interesting to explain to the cops. (Side note: as I told my counselor about this story this morning he busted up laughing at this point. Really, I'm not that funny)

Lady: Oh no - my church has taught me how to handle the cops. First you prophesy over the cop and witness to him. THEN he becomes a BELIEVER! He will be so excited that he'll go get his partner, you prophesy more and then the partner will ALSO become a believer. Jesus be glorified!

Me: Well, I suppose if that works then that's a good way to get out of a ticket!

(REALLY???? GET ME OUT OF HERE!!)


2) Man with a Grudge Against Pastor's Kids with Dead Fathers

I was playing ping pong with my friend minding my own business and a very large man decided that would be a good time to talk to me even though my back was toward him...

Man: Where do you go to church?

Me: New Life in Colorado Springs

Man: How long have you gone?

Me: Since January. I grew up in the church, took a break for a couple years, and now I'm back.

Man: (not in an unfriendly tone) Oh, so you were a church brat. I've always worked with teens in the church and young adults.

Me: Yeah, I was a church brat. My daddy was a pastor so I really was a brat. (smiled)

Man: What? Oh, I know you pastors kids! (he's suddenly angry) You tell me that your daddy is the pastor and so you have the right to tell me to do whatever. You know what I tell people like you? I PAY your daddy's salary! You can't tell me what to do! If you try - I'll stop paying your dad's salary. And THEN what, huh?

(Side note: if that guy or someone like him was paying my daddy's salary - that's nothing to brag about...we were dirt poor!)

Man: Is your dad still a pastor?

Me: No, my dad died a few years back.

Man: I'm really sorry to hear that.

Me: Thank you, it is what it is (my response when I don't want to talk about it)

Man: It isn't like that at all. You really need to learn how to get in touch with your feelings better and stop living in a fantasy world. Live in reality - it is tough.

Me: Yeah, it is tough.

My friend: So, do you want to keep score in the game?

Me Mouthing to her: THANK YOU!

Seriously?? Where do you get off getting mad at me simply because I'm a pastor's kid? And do you really think that makes me want to talk to you about my feelings regarding his death?


3) Singing Man With a Short Fuse

There was one guy, tall, handsome, muscular (good combo) that kept walking around making up praise songs over and above everyone else talking. "Praise the Holy Spirit because of this wonderful food"... Sing, sing, sing. He started playing (and singing as he went) ping pong with another one of the guys there. After awhile he walked away to help some people out with a few things. He came back 15 minutes later to see someone else had taken his place.

He immediately goes off - "Jesus would NEVER have stolen someone else's spot in line" and "I thought you guys were supposed to be Christians!"

I thought he was joking...apparently not...

Everyone tried to calm him down. I decided to use my off the cuff humor...

Me: The good news is that I hear that patience is a virtue!

Singing Man: That's not in the Bible!

Me: Well, I do know it is a Fruit of the Spirit...

Singing Man: Don't lie to me just to get me to calm down! Jesus is pissed off at you guys for lying and cutting in line!

Me: Right...

Singing Man: Now who wants to play me in ping pong??

We all walked away....


I'm told I have a knack for running in to the weird ones. That not all Christians are like this. I actually do believe that all Christians aren't like this. My family has its quirks - but I believe we weren't alienating with our behavior. I just can't figure out why everyone I run in to here is like that. I've been looking for fellowship - but as I said to Paddlefoot - it isn't worth it to me to be around people like that if that is what it means to be in Christian fellowship.

I have several examples of things like this - another blog post for another time - but I suppose this is a cautionary tale. We as Christians are supposed to be set apart from the world by our actions - but I don't think this is what Jesus was talking about. He wasn't talking about misplaced anger, thinking you can get away with anything just because of your "ability" to prophesy (let's admit it - you're making it up 99/100), or by acting like a nutcase while singing and arguing like a child.

I believe what sets us apart is our willingness to forgive, to live in such a way that we show love and kindness even when it isn't easy, and the fact we live for Someone greater than ourselves. If it means the rest of this nonsense - no thanks. I'm out!

Dancing the Line

One of the problems with dancing with wrecking balls is that occasionally you get hit. It has been two years since I hit my personal low (another story for another time) that really propelled me into the healthy living that I enjoy today. Since then I seem to make stupid choices that cause a wrecking ball hit every six months or so.

This last weekend I got nicked by the that darn wrecking ball again. It wasn't a major hit - just a reminder that it is still swinging around me. I've been talking to my best friend, Laurie, about it. I told her that I have two different seemingly-opposing desires that cause me to dance right into direct hit zone. The first is the desire to live a life that is full of integrity, honoring to what I believe God wants for my life, is responsible, and healthy. The second is the desire to not let fundamental ideals to stop me from living a full life and having fun.

I believe there is a way to do both of these things. They don't have to be opposing desires.

Last weekend I failed (though not miserably) to be completely responsible with my choices.

You know those moments that you want to face-palm and roll your eyes and say "why did that just happen"? Yeah, my face was hit by my palm and I had to ask that question. These moments for me do a few things. First they make me kick myself for not paying attention a bit more to what is going on around me. Second they remind me that even though I'm on a solid path to health that doesn't mean that I don't need to actively and purposefully make sure that I stay walking on that solid path.

One of the biggest lessons I've learned in my life is how true the statement of "there but for the grace of God I go" is. I am not above stupidity, sinfulness, temptation, and "why did I just do that" decisions. God's grace covers all of my past and all of my future - but that doesn't mean that I should just waltz through life with the attitude of playing now and asking forgiveness later.

So where is that line? Should I stay so far from things that may give me problems that there is no chance of crossing the line? Or should I learn from my mistakes (and those of others) and continue through life? Well, let's just say that I haven't stopped driving only because I get speeding tickets now and then.

Wake-up calls and reminders are a blessing. What is a huge relief to me is that my wake up calls and my reminders are fewer, farther between, and very minor. I could either see this consequence-free reminder as an example that I can get away with living on the edge. BUT - instead I choose to see this reminder as just that, a reminder. My choices and actions still need some refining and I need to keep paying attention.

God is good to me. He has walked through life with me and has allowed me to get nicked a few times by the wrecking ball. I see these nicks as a blessing. I'd just rather not have to keep getting nicked or learn from someone else's wrecking ball collision. Maybe one day. :-)

Elephant in the Room: Mental Disorders

Mental illness runs in my family. My dad struggled with severe depression and anxiety. I remember (and my mom and I have talked about it since) many a Sunday afternoon that he seemed debilitated by feelings of inadequacy after a Sunday sermon. My grandmother has several mental disorders. Several of my cousins have suffered from things like ADHD, being bi-polar, and depression and anxiety issues. We have come together as a family to walk through these dark disorders together in a fashion of love.

I was diagnosed with clinical depression as a young teenager. Taking pills to help simply get me out of bed in the morning became my life for the next 10 years of my life. In those ten years other diagnoses were thrown around to try to help me: anxiety, ADHD, bipolar disorder, etc. I've been on anti-depressants, anti-anxiety drugs, uppers, downers, and even anti-psychotics. 

Suddenly - 2 weeks after my ex-husband left me - after a 10 year battle of depression I was no longer depressed. I haven't been on meds since. I haven't needed them. Go figure.

I really believe that the Church does a terrible job of talking about mood disorders. Many people believe it is demon possession. Other people think that it is just a sign of not praying enough or not having enough faith. Comments like these took a very difficult situation in my life and made it even worse. 

Nothing exacerbates a problem like the feelings that you have to hide it. The girl I roomed with briefly in college made me feel so bad about my battle against depression by telling me I didn't have enough faith and I probably was possessed by an evil spirit that I dropped out of college my first semester. I literally couldn't bring myself to get out of bed in the morning because of being so depressed.

The truth is - so many of us deal with mood disorders. There are millions of people on anti-depressants. Do I believe everyone should be medicated?? Absolutely not. Mental illness comes from many different places. Situations, chemical imbalances, misdiagnosis of another issue, etc. A holistic approach toward the issues is key. One of the biggest things that has helped me over the last few years was learning about cognitive distortions. Difficult situations are made worse by the tricks our brains play on us. Fighting against these distortions goes a long way toward health. However, I do believe that anti-depressants are needed in some cases to give a person a fighting chance at health. If you had kidney disease you would treat the kidney disease. Just because people don't understand mood disorders as well doesn't mean it never comes from a chemical and physical difference in a person's body. 

In going back to church I've had to face a lot of the hot topic issues. How do I feel about what they have said in the past? How will I handle it in the future? I have chosen to be open and honest about my battle. Pretending that I have never dealt with debilitating depression does a disservice to what I've been through and the battle I've been fighting. Every time I have chosen to be vulnerable with others about this particular issue it has turned in to a time of connection and healing for both myself and others who have lived with this in the dark.

God never promised us sweetness and roses in life. If so - I've been living on the wrong planet. However - no matter how many times I have felt that He is no where near I can say, looking back, that God had his hand in many things. The right doctor to find the right medication, the fact that I have a counselor that has changed my world, and sending just the right friend at just the right time.

I want to be a blessing for someone else. I want to be that "right person at the right time" for others. The only way to do that is to be open. We, as the Church, need to create an atmosphere that encourages openness about pain.

10,000 Foot View

I've never been one to consider myself extraordinary. I grew up in the Northwest as a pastor's kid in a wonderful family. My daddy pastored two different small churches in different areas in Oregon over the course of the 20 years we were there. We didn't have a lot of money and there were a lot of limitations on the things that we were able to do as kids. But the older I get the more I realize that what we did have was worth far more than the nice clothes and the ability to do whatever I wanted. I have been very blessed with my heritage. Not everyone gets to see two parents who love each other. Not everyone has an extended family that is always there to support you regardless of the circumstances. Not everyone gets to live in a legacy.

Not everyone had to deal with the death of a father at 23.

Not everyone had to sit back and watch as the church tore down their family.

Not everyone went through a divorce at a young age after a series of bad choices.

BUT - not everyone has been able to feel the love, grace, and acceptance of those who truly love Christ and represent His unconditional love for us. I write because I am forgiven. I continue to seek God because I know His grace to be real and redemption to be beautiful.

I am currently on a long journey back into the church. And back into a full life. None of it is pretty. I have many conflicting views and many struggles. In writing it out I hope to find some clarity in my thoughts.

Before he died my cousin Spencer wrote a song called Dancing With Wrecking Balls. We tend to go through life thinking that we're indestructible and really - life can come out of nowhere and knock you down. I have learned this lesson over and over in life. I've been hit with the wrecking balls that I created - and I've been hit with the wrecking balls that no one had control over.

This is my journey. This is me dancing with wrecking balls.