It never ceases to amaze me how I can sit through an entire sermon and the part that gets me is the off the cuff comment the pastor makes right as he's leaving the stage. "For some reason I felt the need to say this..." he says. Well, that was for me.
I go to a mega church. I never thought I ever would - but I've actually enjoyed it. Probably has something to do with the anonymity that I have found there. It has given me a chance to heal. A chance to soak in a good message without knowing all of the church politics and underlining issues of half the congregation. So this has been my place to heal.
My pastor's name is Brady Boyd. I've never met the man - and I'd bet I never will. He did greet me today and placed his hand on my elbow. I'm glad to see he's not a hologram. :-) From afar I admire him a great deal. The history of this particular congregation has been very publically painful. I'm impressed by the way he handled everything and I have loved his sermons every week.
Today Pastor Brady spoke about motives. Right out of the Sermon on the Mount he talked about how Jesus tells us in one chapter to let our light shine to the world - and then the next chapter he talks about praying, giving, and fasting in secret. Why the difference? It has to do with our motives.
This really hasn't been one of my big issues. I've made so many poor choices at one time or another I have had my fair share of humble pie. I certainly have my moments of bragging (maybe this is one of them) and I have times I want to prove to people that I'm doing the right thing - but all in all - I don't feel like I have a ton to boast about. My motives, typically, have more to do with just keeping myself in check regardless of whatever else is going on around me.
And then he said it.
Right as we were about to have communion he said that one of the hardest things for us to do is to forgive ourselves. God already chose to forgive me for all of my sins. Now it is time for me to choose to forgive myself.
I have such a hard time with this. I'm still beating myself up for things that happened years ago. I'm very much beating myself up for things that happened in the more recent past. I find that when I'm alone I will go through memories in my mind like index cards giving myself one reason after another to doubt God's forgiveness.
Back to my motivation - you know what motivates me to keep myself in check? Penance. If I keep myself in high check now I'm somehow making up for the horrible choices I've made. In my mind, if I'm extra good now it will make up for the pain I've caused in my past. But that isn't really how God works, is it?
It occurred to me one time that in not forgiving myself I am somehow saying that my opinion matters more than God's. That I'm a better judge of character when it comes to myself. I'm an incredibly forgiving person toward others - but to myself...not so much. I'm coming to realize that this isn't right.
Who am I helping by continuing to beat myself up for the past? What can I do to change it? I think it is time to put down those feelings of hatred toward my past and toward myself and forgive. I have been given a grace that covers all. The problem is that I haven't figured out how to accept that.
Maybe that's part of a daily surrender to God. Maybe grace isn't as easy to accept as one would think. Either way - Pastor Brady's words stopped me in my tracks. My conviction for the day. God knows my heart even better than I do and God has chosen to forgive and to love. Maybe I need to choose to learn how to forgive and love the hardest person on this earth I've ever had to forgive...myself.
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