Mental illness runs in my family. My dad struggled with severe depression and anxiety. I remember (and my mom and I have talked about it since) many a Sunday afternoon that he seemed debilitated by feelings of inadequacy after a Sunday sermon. My grandmother has several mental disorders. Several of my cousins have suffered from things like ADHD, being bi-polar, and depression and anxiety issues. We have come together as a family to walk through these dark disorders together in a fashion of love.
I was diagnosed with clinical depression as a young teenager. Taking pills to help simply get me out of bed in the morning became my life for the next 10 years of my life. In those ten years other diagnoses were thrown around to try to help me: anxiety, ADHD, bipolar disorder, etc. I've been on anti-depressants, anti-anxiety drugs, uppers, downers, and even anti-psychotics.
Suddenly - 2 weeks after my ex-husband left me - after a 10 year battle of depression I was no longer depressed. I haven't been on meds since. I haven't needed them. Go figure.
I really believe that the Church does a terrible job of talking about mood disorders. Many people believe it is demon possession. Other people think that it is just a sign of not praying enough or not having enough faith. Comments like these took a very difficult situation in my life and made it even worse.
Nothing exacerbates a problem like the feelings that you have to hide it. The girl I roomed with briefly in college made me feel so bad about my battle against depression by telling me I didn't have enough faith and I probably was possessed by an evil spirit that I dropped out of college my first semester. I literally couldn't bring myself to get out of bed in the morning because of being so depressed.
The truth is - so many of us deal with mood disorders. There are millions of people on anti-depressants. Do I believe everyone should be medicated?? Absolutely not. Mental illness comes from many different places. Situations, chemical imbalances, misdiagnosis of another issue, etc. A holistic approach toward the issues is key. One of the biggest things that has helped me over the last few years was learning about cognitive distortions. Difficult situations are made worse by the tricks our brains play on us. Fighting against these distortions goes a long way toward health. However, I do believe that anti-depressants are needed in some cases to give a person a fighting chance at health. If you had kidney disease you would treat the kidney disease. Just because people don't understand mood disorders as well doesn't mean it never comes from a chemical and physical difference in a person's body.
In going back to church I've had to face a lot of the hot topic issues. How do I feel about what they have said in the past? How will I handle it in the future? I have chosen to be open and honest about my battle. Pretending that I have never dealt with debilitating depression does a disservice to what I've been through and the battle I've been fighting. Every time I have chosen to be vulnerable with others about this particular issue it has turned in to a time of connection and healing for both myself and others who have lived with this in the dark.
God never promised us sweetness and roses in life. If so - I've been living on the wrong planet. However - no matter how many times I have felt that He is no where near I can say, looking back, that God had his hand in many things. The right doctor to find the right medication, the fact that I have a counselor that has changed my world, and sending just the right friend at just the right time.
I want to be a blessing for someone else. I want to be that "right person at the right time" for others. The only way to do that is to be open. We, as the Church, need to create an atmosphere that encourages openness about pain.
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